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1. Open Heart
Practice - Potential Outcomes
An open heart practice allows for several
possibilities. But at a minimum, young people get a measure
of who their parents are and the sort of relationships they
can expect rather than dream about. Two potential outcomes
for child and father can be considered positive - firstly,
reconnection, most often on very different terms than the
earlier relationship. Such a relationship will be
unmediated by the child's mother and solely between father
and child. Another positive outcome can be one of
reconciliation on the part of the young person to the
poverty of their child-father relationship. Such a
reconciliation can afford the young person relief from
either self-blame or mother-blame and allow them to act,
feel and think outside the cultural requirements of what
constitutes 'happiness' in families and in particular,
child-father relationships. At the same time, such a
reconciliation may also dispel 'fantastic' relationships
fashioned out of longing and hope and the recollections of
occasions of gift giving or the excitements of brief
encounters with fathers.
This practice also has the capability of
setting mothers free from the burden of unfair and
unreasonable expectations. These expectations - that mothers
are responsible for the facilitation of viable and enduring
father-children relationships - often have long histories in
these families and accordingly are taken for granted by all
parties - the mother, the father, and their children. In the
period following separation/divorce, mothers are now
expected to some - how or other successfully engage fathers
in acts of fathering that would meet the particular needs
and desires the children now feel. For children now seek
reassurance that they have not been divorced by their
fathers nor have they been rendered fatherless.
2. Family Court Work - Open Heart
Surgery in Context
In the context of 'Family Court' work and
even when the Family Court is not immediately involved, we
set our minds, given all the above, to derive ways for very
different father-children relationships to develop given how
common it is for fathers to be the non-custodial parent. We
found that very rarely did the young person have a safe
place to speak about what they might have in mind for their
relationship with their father in a way that ensured they
would be heard rather than dismissed as 'childish'. When we
consulted with such young people, we found their requests
simple, straightforward and if anything, not asking for very
much. For example Melanie, aged 11, under 'open heart
surgery', asked that her father listen to her, take her
seriously, provide quite a small amount of clock-time on her
own, sought not to be used as a babysitter for his new
children. She also requested that she could pass up an
access visit without having to feel guilty or fear that she
might suffer from him restricting further visits in some way
of other. Also we found that young people knew what they
liked doing with their fathers and were only too happy to
say so if they could be assured they would be listened to
and their opinions respected and advice sought. This
assisted many fathers who really didn't know what to do with
their children in the time they had together. Some of their
advice was painfully direct, e.g. 'I want you to ask me
questions about how school is going, about my friends and
about my soccer. I don't want you to spend all our time
together telling me about you, just half the
time.'
3. Children Want To Speak Their
Minds
We are aware that many parents take
seriously the importance of teaching their children the art
of sharing and 'sharing fairly'. Children we meet seem to
have grasped this moral concept well, seldom wanting more
than a fair share of their father - his time, his care or
his love. What we noticed about almost all the statements
made by young people under the circumstance of open hear
surgery was their poignancy, their directness and their
painful sincerity. Not surprisingly,we considered such 'open
heartedness' very risky and we contrived as many safeguards
as we could think of to respect such sincerity. Such a
process can lead to reconnection in ways that are deeper and
richer than any previous father-child connection and of
course that is immensely rewarding to be part of and a
witness to. However, you will not be surprised to learn that
this is not always the case. Still, we would consider the
reconciliation that emerges preferable to the devastating
limitations of the relationship as it is. By being
reconciled, the young person no longer has to draw from the
following candidate explanations for the severance in
relationship - i) the 'dream' father hasn't come true yet,
ii) I have a 'bad mother' because she hasn't made a viable
child-rather relationship come true yet or iii) "I must be
not a good enough son/daughter or just plain bad as it seems
my father no longer wants me in his life". It is easy to
see that if a father is a 'dream' that that leaves two other
possibilities to blame their mother or blame themselves.
Reconciliation comes from the young person speaking what
they seek in the relationship and experiencing with great
regret that their father unable to even meet what are often
extremely minimal requests. That grief can be grieved as
they know that they have done all they can as a young person
to not only keep the relationship alive but as well to make
it suit them self as well as their father.
4. Styles of Fathering
Minimal Fathering
The practice of what we are referring
here as 'minimal father' is a pretty well established one,
often having a long but unacknowledged history in the
family. When we have really asked both parties to such a
practice of relating, both talk about this being anything
but satisfying or satisfactory. In thinking about this, we
have arrived at other externalising descriptions of
'practices of fathering' under the circumstances of
separation and/or divorce.
In families of 'minimal fathering', such
fathers are more a physical than an emotional presence. The
main times children and their fathers meeting are at the
home - coming and leave taking. Such encounters are often
poignant but also can be bittersweet.
A daughter of 15, recalling her
daughter-father relationship when she was aged 9 years,
connected "I remember waiting for him to get them from work.
You know 'waiting and waiting'. You can't wait forever. All
he used to do was say ' - "Go to bed now!" He would tell us
to go to bed and 'get out of my face how'. I used to wait up
until all hours of the night. I didn't like to go to sleep
until he got home. And what would he do but tell me to go to
bed anyway". Another daughter of 13 recalling her
daughter-father relationship when she was aged 7 years,
observed, "He never was there like emotionally. I mean - I
always remember him. We used to wake up early in the morning
and he would get porridge because he had to go to work. We
used to get up with him because that was our time to spend
with him at 6 o'clock in the morning. And now and then he
would come home, eat his meal...that was way after we had
eaten our dinner...and then he would go weight-training
afterwards, so we never saw him much."
After separation, minimal fathering can
mean that children may avail themselves of something they
like that is his property that he makes available to them.
In doing so, fathers can believe that they are present in
their property or the activities they afford their children.
This can range from permission to swim in his home pool
while he is at work to financing an overseas sporting
trip.
'Random or unpredictable fathering'.
Here children are often dressed up or dress up with nowhere
to go. They always seem to be living on their toes waiting
and hoping for their fathers to arrive or telephone them as
agreed.
'Hot and cold fathering'. Here bursts of
intense relating are followed by long periods of virtual
neglect. Such father often constricts children into
developing a kind of 'cargo cults belief that their fathers
will mysteriously descend from the sky bearing untold gifts
and an intense round of entertainments. Often these young
people are involved in almost ritual observations which they
believe will 'call' their fathers down into their everyday
lives. E.g. the gaining f high marks, the playing
exceptional rugby, etc When in their father's company, there
is often a 'cargo guilt like' requirements to conduct
themselves 'perfectly' in order to ensure another visit.
'Handyman fathering' . Here these
fathers appoint themselves or are called in by their ex-wife
to 'fix up' and repair anything that is going wrong, very
often behavior that is causing a great deal of concern to
the mother, school authorities or police. These are kinds of
'blasts from the past' invoking a heavy-handed response from
the father. Children are often blackmailed into 'good
behavior', not out of compliance to their mother, but rather
as an investment they hope will bring about a different kind
of relationship with their father. However, to their dismay,
if they stay out of 'trouble', their father is not troubled
to be engaged in their lives.
'Santa Claus father'. These fathers come
once a year bearing gifts and disappear as quickly as they
appear. In fact, often 'gifts' at Christmas or birthdays are
the only reminder of the parenting relationship.
'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'
fathering.This is a fathering that follows from this
commonplace belief which authorizes the father's absence in
hat he believes that in missing him, his a children's hearts
will grow fonder for him. 'The will come back to me when
they are older land ready'. All the father's longing for his
children are soothed by the 'dream' of some future
reunion.
'Second Hand Parenting' Perhaps the most
significant style of father is merely an extension of the
way he had fathering when the family was together. Here
typically the mother had coached and mentored the father as
to how to about this relationship with their children. She
also would have filled in he 'gaps' in his fathering and
made excuses for any of his shortcomings. After separation,
many fathers are at a loss as to how to conduct themselves
without the cues and supervision they provide. As their
ex-wives can no longer or may be unwilling to adequately cue
them, all they can now do is make excuses for
them.
5. Practice Questions Around Styles
of Fathering
Here are some questions we might ask in
relationship to the above.
1. Did you connect with Johnny mainly
through your connection with his mother and your now
ex-wife?
2. When you wanted to know what was
going on in his life, did you generally go to your ex-wife
to catch up with him or find out what was happening in his
life?
3. Would you generally remember his
birthday and have some idea of what he would want as a gift
or would your ex-wife remind you?
4. In the end, would you say you were
relying on your ex-wife for your relationship with him?
Would you describe her as the 'conductor' of your father-son
relationship, keeping it going and in harmony?
5. If you were to do it all over again,
would you have a first hand/direct or a second hand/indirect
relationship with your son?
6. Do you suspect that if Johnny had a
problem, a concern or a very deep worry, he would bring this
to you, his mother or both of you?
7. Why do you think when he was in
trouble, their was a direct route from your son to his
mother that utterly bypassed you?
8. What kind of father-son relationship
have you been left with now that you and ex-wife
separated/divorced?
9. Do you think she is still expecting
that she should keep up her conducting of your father-son
relationship? And if so, are you happy about that, now that
there is so much bitterness between you?
10. Is it possible that this makes it
more unlikely that you and Johnny will have a first-hand
father-son relationship without you taking some
action?
11. If you were to take over the
conducting of your father-son relationship, what
relationship skills would be required to put you in the
picture of your son's heart and soul? Do you wish to be a
part of that? Or would you rather settle for the odd bit of
fishing and throwing a basketball around?
With the benefit of such externalizations
of 'fathering practice', we can then engage in critical
inquiry from a somewhat detached position. We might also be
interested in locating any such practices in their
histories; of gender and culture. For example, 'what is the
tradition of fathering in the family you came from, the
family your father cam from, and the family your grandfather
came from? Has a practice of fathering' more or less been
passed down from father to son to father to son? What
visible and useful examples of fathering have your mates
provided?
Our discussions will now provide an
opportunity for fathers to consciously choose their
'fathering practice'. If such a practice is outside their
own experience, some research into alternative fathering
might have to be undertaken and the skills, ideas and habits
associated with it might have to be practiced on a trial and
error basis. Alternative versions might first take some
conscious shape in response to such questions as these - Now
that you have the opportunity to consciously choose your own
fathering practice rather than merely following in your
fathers footsteps, what practice might fit with your
'morality' about father-daughter relationships? Might fit
with your beliefs about how father-daughter relationships
should go?
We could inquire into the history of
fathering practice before his ex-wife and he
separated/divorced/or started living apart:
1. Did you get out of connection with
Johnny when he was aged, 11,12,13 when he started having a
mind of his own and was not so mindful of your
mind?
2. Did you get disconnected from Johnny
by choice or by circumstances? And if the latter, what where
they?
3. Were you aware of it happening when
it was happening?
4. Or did you just find it more
congenial to 'work;' for your family as a provider doing
what you knew best rather than be an active participant in
he 'life' of your family and all the difficulties that went
with that?
Here once again, fathers can be assisted
to question those developments of 'disconnection/distance'
already in place before their separation which had been
'covered' over by the child's mother assuming a much greater
role in their children's life around matters of concern. For
example, "How do you guess this disconnection will go now
that your ex-wife isn't in the picture of your relationship
with Johnny? What direction will your father-son
relationship take now that you and his mother are separate.
What are you basing that on? If you are interested, what are
some ways you might consider attracting Johnny to yourself
as his father?
6. Letter Writing And The Engagement
Process
One of the ways we regularly use to
engage fathers is to write letters to them inviting them to
join in conversations around fathering. We take advice from
their children as to whether this is a good idea or if we
need to consider other options. Some of those other options
we will speak about later. What follows is a first draft
written after a meeting with the two children and the the
final draft after they had changed it to more accurately
represent them. The letter is unremarkable in that is like
so many others of its kind; it is remarkably sincere because
it comes from he very hearts of these young
people.
First Draft Letter
Dear Dad
We are writing this to you with the help
of Wally a counselor. He is helping to write this because it
is a bit hard for us and we don't want Mum to help us
because it is between us and you. There are other things
that we want to talk with Mum about and they are between us
and her.
Did you know it is really hard for us as
children to talk with parents when we are small and much
younger and you are bigger and older? We know you don;t mean
it to be like that but it just is.
So we are inviting you to come and talk
with us and Wally. Mum will not be there. She has not seen
this letter. This is important for us because you are our
Dad and we love you and we want to get some things sorted
out so it works better. It won't take us long, really it
won't!
We would like to meet with you at Wally's
office at 6.00p.m. on Wednesday, the 2nd of December.
Remember Mum won't be there and we won't be telling her what
we talk about. It's just between us.
Please write back to Wally's office to
confirm this or write to us at Wally's office and he will
give us the letter when we come in.
Geniveve and Raewyn.
Wally McKenzie.
Final Letter
Dear Dad,
We are writing this to you the with help
of Wally a counselor. He is helping to write this because it
is between us and you and we don't want Mum to help us and
if we talk she won't be in the building at the time. There
are other things that we want to talk with Mum about and
they between us and her.
It can be really hard to talk to parents
about things sometimes. We do want to tell you about how we
feel though so we are inviting you to come and talk with us
and Wally. Mum will not be there. She has not seen this
letter. This is important for us because you are out Dad and
we love you and we want to sort some things out so it works
better.
It wont take us long, so we would like to
meet with you at Wally's office at 6.00pm on Tuesday the
11th of March. Remember Mum won't be there and we won't be
telling her what we talk about. Its just between
us.
Please write back to Wally's office to
confirm this or write to us at Wally's office and he will
give us the letter when we come in.
Geniveve and Raewyn
It is worth noting that the father
concerned told at the end of the meeting that the only
reason he had attended was because of the eloquence with
which his daughters had written.
Wally McKenzie
The considerations and intentions behind
such a letter ensure confidentiality around the child-father
relationship, the counselor oversees the preparation of the
letter. Furthermore to guarantee such confidentiality, and
provide a boundary around the child-father relationship, we
might say something like this to the mother - "This will
keep you safe from blame or any accusations that you have
put him/her up to it. You can say without any compunction
that you know nothing about this and that this is between
his son/daughter and him." To the father, we might say
something like this - 'This is clearly between your
son/daughter. You can write back to her but care of my work
address'. Such measures of 'confidentiality surrounding the
child-father relationship' are insisted upon to counteract
such allegations as 'your mother put you up to this, didn't
she?' or 'you are just saying the same things your mother
says to me'. These measures are an attempt to safeguard the
young person and allow them to speak for themselves outside
and separate from their parent's separating/divorcing
relationship. It positions the young person as a speaking
participant in the resolution of their relationship with
their father.
At the same time, it is vital that the
mother's exclusion from the 'open heart' conversation(s)
does not in any way undermine her sense of competent
motherhood. To counteract any implication of this, we
explicitly state that our reasons have to do with
'safeguarding' her. To further protect her interests, we
would ask - 'Is there anyone who you would authorise to act
as your proxy? It should be someone you would trust to act
on your behalf with your children. Your proxy could review
the letter your children and I write to their father. They
would sit down and talk it over with them having in mind you
as 'the mother' and their safety as children. We believe
this would more likely realise your wishes that their father
maintain or create a relationship with the children without
your ongoing interventions. You told me when I asked, that
that the more you try to intervene on behalf of your
children, the more aggravation there is between you and
their father. Would such an arrangement be agreeable to you?
And would you be able to nominate your 'mothering'
proxy?"
Those preliminary and preparatory
conversations with the young person to co-research their
relationship with their father grants the some authority in
relationship to it. Some of these conversations have to do
with 'getting to know your father as a father rather than
your father as a dream. Such conversations assist young
people to be pragmatic rather than pining their hopes on
their wished for father. An attempt is made through such
inquires to demystify their father so that their father
becomes a person in their relationship rather than in their
dreamed up visions.
7. Questions for children
We might ask children questions such as
these -
Have there been times when those dreams
were shattered when your father acted differently to how you
dreamed he would?
Have you ever had any dreams of the way
you would want your father to be?
Did that have you see him
differently?
What are they?
Do you think other children in similar
situations have dreams like you have about their
fathers?
Was it a good thing or a bad thing for
you to find out that your dream-father and your real father
were different?
What's happened to your dream-father
thinking? Is it still as strong or has it changed
somewhat?
Do you suspect or know what/how your
sister (or brother) has 'dreamed' your father up?
Were there any times when your father was
really like your dream-father?
Are there times when your father appears
to you to be working at making your dream-father come
true?
How does he do this? Does he do this
just for you or for all of his children?
What have you been doing with your
dream-father thoughts over the last little while?
What's happening to your dream-father
thoughts now that you are having your say about your
relationship with him?
To date, have you got the best deal you
think you can get in your relationship with him?
If this is the relationship you now
realise you are going to end up having with him, what
memories from the past would you most like to hold on to?
In the future, if your father wanted to
change the relationship with you, would you be open to
that?
Could you see giving your relationship
with your father another trial some other time in the
future?
8. From questions to Conversations
With Fathers
When we started inquires with fathers as
to their reasons , rationales or moralities of relationship
that guided their decisions to 'sever' or minimise their
relationships with their children we met several kinds of
explanation. More often than not, such rationales did
express concern and care for their children and themselves
but these were often kept to themselves and unknown to their
children.
One such rationale was 'it's too hard and
hurtful - for these reasons, it is best to put the
relationships aside for the time being until it is no longer
too hard or hurtful'. Fathers when asked would often talk
about their impotence to 'fix the hurt' or better yet, 'put
it right' somehow or other. They often expected that all
visits would take place without either them or their
children having to feel any distress on greetings or
leave-takings. And at times, despite intense efforts to 'put
such distress right', they continually failed to do so. The
flip-side to such a rationale is - 'if it is working, don't
mess with it'. Here children often learned to conceal or
keep to themselves any distress whatsoever. They told us
that they believed that putting on a 'happy face' was
required of them in order to match their father's 'happy
face'. Under such circumstances they had learned not to dare
to speak of their distress, unhappiness, grief or loss over
the physical absence and easier relationships they once
shared with their fathers.
It seems that many fathers have the
expectation that their children, almost regardless of age or
stage, will initiate a relationship with them that is adult
in every respect. For example, children might be expected to
phone regularly even if their father doesn't. "They can use
the phone as well as I can, if they want to!" There are
times when he just doesn't phone them or turn up for access
visits because "I had something important come up'. On these
occasions they are somehow expected to understand in an
adult way and not to show their upset. By the same token
fathers can assume that their children will speak up when
they are unhappy with some aspect of their fathering - 'Why
don't they just tell me rather than running to a counselor'
or 'do they have to hide behind their mother's skirts all
the time?'
When speaking to some fathers, they have
told us that they think it is best if they just 'get out of
their children's lives' for the time being as their presence
is seen as too distressing for their children. They
typically leave out their own distress as something they
would also rather avoid. They often imagine returning to the
relationship at some later time in their child's life and if
you inquire closely , such come-backs are often planned for
a time when they think they will be necessary e.g. to show
him how to play rugby and take him to the games; to take him
hunting and fishing. These are often more easy to anticipate
for their sons than for their daughters and for that reason,
their daughters find it harder to imagine such times/events
themselves. For this reason we suspect the threat to
daughters is more severe than for sons.
Questions such as the following often
assist fathers to call into question such
rationales/moralities -
Could you see how your daughter might
lose her faith and trust in her daughter-father relationship
so that when you want to take it up again, she might be
unwilling to run the risk of that?
When you get an uncomfortable feeling,
what is your first inclination - to talk it out with someone
or other OR keep it within your own mind and
heart?
In your marriage, did your ex-wife and
you have the same approach as each other or was it her
preference to talk things out rather than locking them up in
her mind and heart?
Have you noticed any differences in
this regard in your current relationship with your children
to the relationship you had with your children's
mother?
Did that work very well for your
husband-wife relationship? Or did it lead to separation and
divorce?
Would your children think there were
any differences in your ways of relating to them?
We also might ask questions that attempt
to draw a distinction between COVERING UP and MAKING UP. By
that we mean covering up the 'grief' and 'despair' means
that children have no way to express themselves or be heard
in relation to how they might be feeling. We attempt to have
everyone discern what in fact is happening. We do so by
making very obvious the 'cover up' and its tactics and how,
if taken literally by the hopefulness of the young person,
can lead to the risk of making up a 'dream-father'. The risk
has to do with the 'dreaming' having to be redoubled and
tripled to 'cover over' their real experience of their
father's fathering.
Are there times when everyone pretends
that the divorce didn't happen? That everything is really as
it was? Do you find this confusing?
To what extent has the 'father-dream'
deceived you into believing your father was a different kind
of father than the father he has been to you?
Where did the 'father-dream' come from?
From TV? Books? Friends? Fathers? Or someplace
else?
What things have you tried to make your
'father-dream' come true? With what success? What things
have your brother/sister tried?
How much do you think your 'father-dream'
has distracted you from doing 10 year old things you like
doing?
Is the father you now know different from
the father of the past? If so, what do you make of
that?
9. Fathers Who Feel They Have To Let
Go - Engaging In A Moral Dilemma
In our discussions with men around their
severing of relationships with their children, we have
encountered men holding a conviction that a father 'swaps'
his new family for his old family rather than incorporating
the 'old into the new' in a 'new-old family'. Rather, he now
sees himself as a family man with family responsibilities
but with an equally strong conviction that as a 'father and
husband', you can only manage one at a time. The 'new'
supersedes the 'old'. Also, because of the sheer complexity
of such relationships, and especially if there is any
prospect of conflict or the requirements to negotiate with
his new partner to realise 'new-old' relationships men can
find this too daunting. Such a divorce of his first children
can also be based on a simplistic and strict adherence of
'loyalty' to those in immediate touch with you or 'living
under the same roof'. A variant of this is 'out of sight -
out of mind'. Indeed, we have often found a belief that
divorcing your wife includes divorcing yourself from the
children of that relationship and any responsibilities for
them. Such a belief entails that one wife and children
offer a sense of completeness to a man's manliness. This is
common for those men who have based their family
relationship on some underlying notion of his family having
similar aspects to his 'property/chattels'.
Such men, often, have had very little to
do with their children as babies as this was 'women's work'.
And now their children are insisting on interacting with
them rather than the other way round. These men can find
themselves quite at a loss as to what to do and how to meet
such demands on them. They are quite unused to seeking out
their children's thoughts and ideas and are ill at ease at
taking their children seriously, especially if their
children's advice takes the form of instruction. Often such
instructions sound the same as those of their ex-wife and
consequently, they can often blame their ex-wives for
putting their children up to it. Daughters in particular may
echo their mothers. This does not have to do with their
mothers 'putting them up to it' but rather they may be in
the process of 'growing up women' and beginning to speak in
this gendered fashion. They may feel very keenly about the
significance of intimate and purposeful relationships. It
may very well be that such instructions are 'uncanny echo's'
of the criticisms/complaints of their ex-partners. This is
very likely, if not inevitable. Such fathers are more
comfortable instructing their children on how to be in
relationship to both his new partner and her children.
however, this will rarely be negotiated in any respectful
manner but usually will be an unspoken expectation based on
'loyalty' to his new relationship 'causes'. His 'Loyalty' to
his first family children is not particularly considered as
they have their mother and they have probably become more
fully than ever her responsibility. This 'loyalty' to his
new partner can take the form of an injunction - 'you must
love my new wife' and he will brook no opposition. This is a
requirement to 'love' without question or consideration
which for his first family children means the same 'love'
that they have for their own mother. Often male authority is
used to dictate to the 'heart' of their son/daughter.
In our discussions, we have been
employing a moral frame of reference rather than either
psychological or legal frames. We use terms such as 'the
moral dimension of…....', or the 'moral dimensions'.
This permits us to externalise 'the morality of severance'
and compare and contrast that to the 'morality of
fatherhood/union by blood/connection'. By doing so, we are
now able to have conversations around the 'morality of
severance' and those arguments that support it - e.g. 'its
all too painful for me so it must be all or nothing', 'this
is just too complicated and I can't cope', 'It is better to
amputate'. In the 'all or nothing'.
The 'all' refers to a reasonable
facsimile of the child-father relationship before the
separation/divorce.
The 'all' can also mean a practical
denial of the separation/divorce and place a heavy burden on
the ex-wife who is now virtually debarred from a life on/of
her own as the 'father' insists on his rights to come and go
when he wishes. Sometimes he argues that he does not want to
be a 'weekend father' and that he should be able to have
free access to his children as often as he can manage and
without any restrictions. The practical reality of this
wistful idea usually turns out to be rare if his fathering
was also fit-full and sporadic before the separation.
Here is an example of a conversation
around the 'it has to be nothing because I can't have the
all'.
Question: If it has to be all or
nothing, I am wondering what you're children will make of
it?
Answer: Well, I know its going to be hard
on them but it is too painful for me. and when they get old
enough, I know they will understand.
Question: What is it they will come to
understand? And how will they arrive at their understanding
of your severance of their relationship with you?
Answer: Silence.
Question: What are the moral
justifications you are using to severe your father-child
relationship?
10. Living Wills - Conversations of
Promise
There are times when we have
conversations with parents about ideas of 'wills'. These
conversations sometimes occur in the context of separating
parents and at other times with fathers. The ideas come from
what we see in our western culture as a focus on what
parents 'bequeath' to their children when they die and that
this is something to be written down as a set of intentions
to be carried out after death. Our conversations stem from a
belief that it is an endless process beginning at birth, if
not before, that parents begin to bequeath many things to
their children. Some of these things are not particularly
noticed in the light of a 'death will' but may be more
visible as a part of a 'living will'. Parents are often
remembered by their will's, what they left and how they left
those things. We have noticed that 'living wills' also
carry memories of what parents left behind them.
These are some questions we might ask in
reference to 'living' and 'dead' wills:
* Do you have in mind to show your love
to your children by leaving them some things in your will so
that they will be able to appreciate you when you are
dead?
* Had you considered a 'living will' so
that they could appreciate the things you provide for them
every day?
* If you were to consider the
relationship with your son/daughter like a ;living will',
what would s/he want you to write in it? What would you want
to write in it?
* What difference to you think a 'living
will' would make to the life of your
son/daughter?
* What would it be like for you to
witness the effects of your ;'living will' while you are
still alive rather than never knowing the effects of your
'dead will'?
* Would their mother's 'living will' be
different to yours?
* In what ways would their mother's
'living will' impact on their lives that added something
valuable to them?
* What are the things your ;'living will'
has bequeathed to them so far that with the wisdom of
hindsight you would like to reverse?
11. Reflecting On 'One At A Time'
Fathering
Where there is more than one child, many
fathers have experienced fathering as 'one child at a time'.
This could have been in circumstances of disciplining,
recreation or emergency care e.g. hospitalization.When such
fathers are confronted after separation with all their
children at once, this can make demands on them well beyond
their experience. For in the past, they had the relative
luxury of most of their contact time with their children
'one on one'. Now the childrens' mother, seeking relief from
the endless demands of single parenting are no longer
willing to provide the support for or is are satisfied with
'one at a time' fathering.
Should the father persist with a 'one at
a time' tradition for his fathering, this can result in
several possibilities: one is that those left behind have a
sense of rejection and being unequally loved. This can lead
in turn to a very cruel competition between the children for
their fathers' time and affections. These children can try
to strike separate deals with the father which divide the
siblings from each other and often pit them against each
other. Certainly invidious comparisons between those
favoured and those 'less favoured' become rife. Also the
father as remembered through this invidiousness leads to
very separate histories of child-father
relationships.
Questions which encourage reflection
around 'one at a time' decision making:
By divorcing Judy, do you divorce your
children in the same way?
Have your children in any way indicated
that they wanted to divorce you?
Is it fair to divorce them without them
even knowing that you are doing so? Don't they deserve some
warning before you cut them out of your life?
What would you guess that your children
feel being superceded by your new children? In what ways
might they feel this? How might they come to show
it?
Does your daughter get to do anything
with you that she would know stood for the specialness of
your father-daughter relationship when she comes to
visit?
If you met an old school friend, would
you sit down and reminisce about the specialness of the
times you shared and the things you did together that stand
for your friendship? Can you give me some examples? What
will you and your son reminisce about when you meet up in
the future?
How would the 'morality of severance'
operate on your oldest and dearest male
friendship(s)?
Would you cut them off or would they be
given a special place in the history of your
life?
Is your fatherhood something that
endures or is it a "take it or leave it" kind of
thing?
Often the father argues that he should
follow the 'legal' shaping of his relationships.
Should you simply follow the law to do
with maintenance or instead include that within the morality
of enduring fatherhood?
Would you prefer to have a relationship
with your children based on legal requirements made by the
Courts/Government or would you prefer to have a relationship
based on a moral perspective that you develop for you and
yours? A legal and a moral protection for your children
perhaps?
We also raise the matter of the prior
claim that his child might have on his affections and
concerns for their well-being and welfare.
Do you think your daughter/son thinks you
were her/his father before Mary came into your life, first
as lover then as your second wife?
Fatherhood traditionally has a long
history that demands a family not two or more families that
a man must 'provide for' in particular and usually in
financial ways. This contrasts with the well practiced
nurturing tradition of motherhood
'no-matter-what'.
Open Heart Surgery In Practice
MEETING 1: meet with mother alone, even
if child(ren) is presented.
MEETING 2: meet with the child(ren)
alone; have a conversation around 'fathering' and desired
fathering with therapist taking notes. Negotiate with the
child her/his preferred way of involving his/her
father.
Later Therapist writes a letter based
on these notes inviting the father to a meeting. It is not
usual that the issues for the child are spelled out here - a
safety issue. The letter is reviewed by the child and
mother's proxy before sending it.
Later Final draft of the letter is sent
to the father, suggesting a meeting time.
MEETING 3: Therapist proposes the
conditions to the father of the 'understandings' with the
child as a witness to the conversation. Documents are
produced and signed by father and therapist.
MEETING 4: Father, young person and
therapist convene for an 'open heart surgery' in which the
child speaks their concerns and seeks answers to their
questions. These questions were formulated at Meeting 2 or
an additional meeting if required.
MEETING 5: Father, young person and
therapist meet to review 'healing'. The conditions of the
'understandings' still hold. The child had been consulted at
Meeting 4 as to the date for such a review.
MEETING 6: Should there be any further
meetings, either reconnection or reconciliation can be faced
more squarely. Conversations are around either the
enrichment of the re-connected son-father relationship or
reconciling the young person to the poverty of the
relationship. Father would likely attend the former but be
absent from the latter.
Open
Heart Surgery - the Practice
Meeting 1
Meeting 2
We engage in
conversations about their relationship with their father
which we prefer to call - your son-daughter relationship. We
ask questions regarding this relationship historically and
what it has turned into following his/her parents'
separation/divorce.
For example we might
ask:
What are the ways you
remember you and your father as you were growing up and he
was still living at home?
Is that anything like the
ways you and your father are now that he is no longer living
with you?
What effects are these
new ways of relating with your father having on you in
general? On the fun you're having in your life? On your
school-work? On your ways of relating to your mother?
Etc.
We often learn that the
post separation relationship with his father is very
distressing. His father's 'minimal fathering' has become
overt as it can no longer be 'patched up' or 'smoothed over'
. by his mother. Either his mother's mentoring has ceased or
is now bitterly resented by his father. Now, other
priorities have taken over his fathers life and by either
omission or commission, the son-father relationship is
starting to be severed. His father often finds access visits
so awkward and demanding or unsuitable for his lifestyle
that he begins to seriously diminish contact or becomes
extremely erratic. Or he might insist that his mother accept
access to her son on the father's terms only. Fathers often
argue - "I don't want to be the sort of father whose life is
limited by access arrangements. I want more flexibility".
Here 'flexibility' often can mean 'access on my terms or
next to nothing'. On occasions, such impossible demands for
'flexibility' provides such a father with the moral leverage
to justify 'nothing'. The children often hear - "I'm too
busy; I have something else on". These messages are usually
given at the last moment or even while the child is
patiently waiting to be picked up by the late father via a
telephone call to the mother. The outcome is that the mother
is again the carrier of bad news and may be drawn in to
softening the bad news by excusing him The father has not
had to justify himself to his children, and the mother may
easily be blamed by the children for not making it happen.
The children are only able to vent their frustration and
anger at their mother. The anger and frustration will be
diminished when next they meet their father, even if they
were able to tell him.
We might ask:
Where do you think you
fit as a priority in your father's life?
How would you rank your
son-father relationship against his rugby? His work? His new
girlfriend? Etc.
Do you think that making
his father-son relationship a low priority was his intention
when he and your mother first separated? Has it grown out
of his new life-style?
What do you think about
his new life-style that takes up all his time so that there
is nothing left for your son-father relationship?
Could you have guessed
that he would have put sailing ahead of his father-son
relationship?
When you think about it,
is there really that much difference between the son-father
relationship you had when he lived at home and the
relationship you now have with him?
What ways is your
distress over the diminishing relationship with your father
showing up in your everyday life? At school? With your
friends? Etc.
What do you guess would
happen if your father knew everything you know about your
distress? Have you ever thought about telling
him?
What do you think your
father would say if he knew you were too scared to tell him
about your distress about your son-father
relationship?
Do you think your mother
has any idea of your distress about your relationship with
your father?
Have you found that she
has been working overtime trying to get your son-father
relationship going for you?
Is she very successful
with her efforts? Or do you find that whatever she does
generally makes matters worse?
Are you worrying your
son-father relationship is going the same way as your
parents relationship did - first separation amd then
divorce?
Have you ever had any
experience of having first-hand ways of relating to your
father rather than second-hand ways? (by that I mean a
son-father relationship that your mother
coaches)?
Do you think your father
appreciates your mother's coaching of your son-father
relationship now that they are divorced?
Do you think your father
would be interested in having a really, really deep
understanding of what is going on in your heart and mind? Or
would he rather you keep this to yourself and deal with your
distress by yourself and just put on a 'happy face' when you
are together?
Do you think it would be
pretty strange for the first little while for you and your
father to go it alone without your mother's coaching? Would
you be surprised if it wasn't easy going right off the bat?
Do you think he would be surprised if it wasn't easy going
right off the bat?
(To Father) Do you have
the will to see your son-father relationship through its
teething problems before you get to something you both
really like? (To Son) Do you think your father has what it
takes to see his father-son relationship through its
teething problems?
Have you ever made a new
friendship - say at school at the beginning of the year -
with another guy? How did it go? Was it smooth sailing? Or
were there some rocky patches before you got it
together?
Did you at any time open
your heart to him ( by that I mean really get to know him as
a mate)?
Did you consider you were
taking a risk by doing so?
What told you he was the
kind of person that was worth risking yourself
for?
How did you come to trust
him so that you were pretty sure you weren't in too much
danger when you opened your heart to him by (telling him
about ….)?
If he hadn't come to the
party with his side of a 'good friendship' when would you
have decided 'enough was enough'?
What happens when you
'open your heart' to your mother so that she can know what's
going on in side of you? What happens when you 'open your
heart' to your sister/brother/grandmother, etc?
Do you have any reasons
to believe that you would be O.K. if you took a similar risk
and 'opened your heart up' to your father about your
distress and your hopes and dreams for your son-father
relationship?
Have you found in the
past that your father is more at his ease when he is telling
you things rather than listening to your things? What do you
think about this?
Has your father found out
yet that you have a mind of your own? Or does he believe
that he knows more about you than you know about
yourself?
Do you have any thoughts
about how you might inform him that he has gotten out of
touch with you?
Do you suspect that
putting him in touch with you would offer more hope for a
better son-father relationship? Or do you worry that putting
him in touch with your thoughts and feelings would be too
much for him to cope with?
Can we discuss what you
might like to put your father in touch with about yourself,
your distress and your hopes and dreams for your son-father
relationship?
If you could be reassured
that your father was really listening to you and taking you
seriously, would it be possible for us to meet together,
without your mother - so that you could 'open up your heart'
to him and he would not only respect you but be very, very
careful that he didn't hurt or injure your
'heart'?
Precisely what
reassurances would you require from your father before you
would 'open up your heart' to him? Or would you prefer that
I ask him your heart felt questions and record his answers?
Or would you like me to talk with you and tape-record what
you had to say and after you had listened to it and okayed
it, I would play it to your father, being careful that he
listened well to what we had to say? I would record his
reply to what you had to say and bring that back to you! did
you want to be there or would you rather your father and I
tape-recorded our conversation and after your father has
listened to it and okayed it, you and I could then listen to
it together?
MEETING 3 - Protection
for Young Person Undergoing 'Open Heart Surgery'
In these instances where
both the young person and the father are present, the
therapist would begin the meeting by carefully going over in
some detail what we refer to as the
'understandings'.
We might say something
like the following to the father:
"I have made an agreement
with the children that if I should make an error in what I
say or if they feel the meeting has got to scary for them,
they will let me know. We have an agreed upon signal. If I
receive the signal, I want you to agree with me that we will
all stop the meeting immediately. And if not, I want your
agreement that if you can't, you will give me permission to
do so. Our 'understanding' is that you (we) will put the
vulnerability of your childrens' 'open heartedness' and the
real risk of very severe injury ahead of anything else.
If we were to think of your children as vulnerable and to
some extent at our mercy and care like someone undergoing
'open heart surgery', this might be very apt. After all, if
we were to injure a person at such a time, you can never be
sure they will ever recover. In the instance of your
son/daughter, they may very well never trust you to the same
extent ever again. In some ways, this is a chance of a
lifetime for you as their father and him/her as your
daughter/son. Of course, they might survive but there is
certainly the risk that things will never be the same again.
For all these reasons, will you agree that their
vulnerability, not yours, comes first. For example, it
might be the very first time for you to learn that your
children have minds of their own and that their minds are
very different from your mind. This may surprise you at
first."
There may be another
reason such as the following to end the meeting. "they are
children and you are an adult. And children have ways of
being that not surprisingly are child-like rather than
adult-like. You may also find it uncomfortable to hear what
you might take to be criticisms of you. however, you cannot
be as vulnerable as your children because right now you are
their father and an adult. I believe that their hearts will
break a lot easier than yours because s/he so wants a
better relationship with you. in fact, they want this so
much that s/he has dared to 'open his/her heart' to you and
take a great risk - one that could lead to his/her heart
being broken".
"I can understand that as
a caring and loving father you might find my request
offensive or hurtful. However, I would like to assure you
that the seriousness of my request marks the seriousness of
what your children are hoping to do today. A lot rides on
today on the future of your son/daughter-father
relationships. Were this a simple matter, I have no doubt
you and your son/daughter would have sorted this out long
ago. But as you know, your son/daughter is longing for a
better son/daughter-father relationship. So much so, in
fact, that they are willing to undergo 'open heart surgery'
and bare their hearts to you today. I believe that your
son/daughter may feel more vulnerable than s/he ever has
before in his/her life. And this may come as a surprise to
you. But you need to know that this says a great deal about
how much he/she loves you and how much he/she wants to have
a really good son/daughter relationship of which all of you
can be proud.
"Can you and I both sign
this document to ensure your son/daughters well-being and
give them the confidence that they will be taken seriously?
I want you to be clear that this is NOT a legal document and
under the rules of the family court anything you say or do
here is totally confidential. That means that nothing
pertaining to this 'understanding' can ever be called into
court under any circumstances. Why then are we signing
it?
We both sign it as an
indication of sincerity and good faith to your
son/daughter-father relationship. I believe it will give
him/her encouragement to take the next step in meeting with
you and me to 'open his/her heart up' to you".
One copy is given to the
father and the other to the young person. if the young
person had indicated that such a meeting was too 'scary',
this meeting would have taken place between the father and
the therapist. A copy of the signed 'understandings'
document would be delivered to the son/daughter who would
then decide if and how such a meeting could take place and
how we should proceed.
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