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Archive of Resistance: Anti-anorexia/anti-bulimia
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Perfection and Anti-Perfection Deception and Counter-Deception 3 Letters from a therapist to Jerry, aged 20/21 |
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David Epston and Jerry |
LETTER 1 JULY 7, 2000.
Dear Jerry;
Well, our discussion certainly shifted a gear or two since our first meeting, did
it not? Were you surprised in any way that the curse of the idea of Perfection
was implicated in so much of your distress, concerns, dismay and what I take to
be the onset of a very early retirement, at the age of 20, from your life. You
captured this curse by your phrase- "nothing is ever good enough". You
acknowledged ruefully how it deprives you of any satisfaction or pleasure. It
forces you to hide your work away and moreover hide yourself away from
others. It prevents you from talking to people with whom you wish to speak. It
has you looking inwards rather than outwards to the world at large. It has even
gone so far as to convince you that "I can't take the next step to adulthood until I
am PERFECT". And, in fact, "you've got to be better than anyone else". Jerry,
would you consider the curse of the idea of Perfection a form of deception that if
not countered will deceive you into turning the clock back on your life and
become a modern-day Miss Havisham, embittered in a time-warp where time
itself has ceased to 'tick'?
This conversation both outraged me at the same time as dismayed me until you
spoke cautiously of your capacity to exclude Perfection from matters of the
heart, where you can be foot-loose and fancy-free. At such times, you are
no longer a "prisoner" of Perfection. I was very taken by your comments
that followed and in no way feel I really fathomed what you were saying. I
hope you will bear with my curiosity to do so next time we meet. This is
what you had to say: "I am a very emotionally strong person and the emotion
overrides stupid thoughts". You agreed that was a truer expression of you
than 'beating' everyone else. In fact, you spoke of "always having a big
thing for the fierce compassion of others". Jerry, can you see, as I am
dimly doing, how what you refer to as your 'emotions'( or in other words of
yours as your "fierce compassion") are the means by which you are countering
Perfection's practices of deception? Why I say that is I find 'being better
than the best' and the ethics of care that undergird your 'fierce
compassion' as to be both logically and morally incompatible and
irreconcilable? What about you? Has Perfection somehow had you downgrade
this 'fierce compassion' for others? If so, on what moral or ethical
grounds?
Jerry, can you tell me the 'history' of your 'fierce compassion'? Where do
you get it from? What is its genealogy? Who of all the people in your life
would be least surprised to know how keenly compassion burns in your soul?
Your mother? Your father? Your uncle? Your aunt? Your school-teachers?
etc? Who? Why do you take pride in something surely Perfection would
scoff at and ridicule you for harbouring such 'emotions'? And why do you
think Perfection, as you put it, has you "be nasty to myself" and won't
allow you any compassion for your self? WHY?? And it was interesting for
me to learn how "when I write a piece of music..for a few minutes, I pat
myself on the back..but it fades". Jerry, does it fade or does Perfection
repudiate that very experience of self-respect? And if so, do you have any
idea why this should be? Jerry, do you consider than in general
'self-respect' is the antidote for living the cursed life Perfection leads
you to live? Is that in any way an interesting thought or prospect? And if
so, what do you make of it?
You say that you friends, Jonathon and Keith, are "mad at me". If they
knew all the above, do you suspect they might be mad at Perfection and even
more considerate of you? When I enquired what their opinions would be if
"self-respect took up more time and space in your life", you replied without
any second thoughts - "They would be happy for me!" You then went on to tell
me that Perfection does everything it can to rule out anyone's compliments
or praise and tells you not to accept it. Jerry, would you mind reflecting
on a guess of mine - 'has Perfection turned you against yourself to the
extent that everyone elses' respect for you is seen to be a danger to you?
If so, can you take this question to Perfection - "If other people's respect
is a danger to me, would would become of me If I really accepted what people
say about my musicianship and lyrical abilities'?
YOURS AGAINST THE CURSE OF THE IDEA OF PERFECTION,
David.
PS: Can you take any notes of anything that rings a bell for you from
Brian's anti-anorexic documents which I have sent you separately by post.
And do you mind underlining those bits so we can research them together.
Many thanks for your help with this 'work', work that is life-saving as
well as life-enhancing.
******
LETTER 2 JULY L8, 2000.
Dear Jerry:
You told me right off that "I have been thinking about Perfection a lot" and
are considering that "basically it is a defense mechanism that I put up so
that I can never be myself..I can always say what I"m doing isn't good
enough". When I asked why you might defend yourself against being Jerry,
you aid that "I am scared of what other people think of who I am and what I
can do". Jerry, is this the deception we were discussing last letter?
Why I ask is your means of counter-deception - "my emotional side can
override Perfection with others but not myself". When I asked if you would
consider your 'emotional side' to be anti-perfection, you agreed that that
was very likely. You then told me that you refer to yourself as
"unhealthily sensitive", fearing that "others can hurt me" but by the same
token, you are insensitive to yourself, believing that "I can't hurt
others". Not only that, you believe you can't speak your mind, express your
desires and appetites or show anyone else your feelings.
You courageously told me about Sarah, whom you met and fell in love with in
your first year at University. You were l8 and she was l7 at the time and
"we had known each other for ages'. You mentioned how it "got really weird
when it came time to take the next step...I didn't know how to handle it",
even though as you put it, "I felt more deeply than I ever had before".
When I asked, you guess it "was love". We spoke together about the
so-called 'divine madness' and in your words, "what an amazing kind of
thing" it was. When I asked if you could put words to it, you said that you
could "put music to it". You told me how you were "too scared to take it
any further..she tried to and I freaked out..I was crazy". Afterwards, you
spoke of how "disappointed in myself" you were. And "we didn't speak for
another year. I avoided being near her or I would purposefully leave". In
reply to a question of mine, you said that "she can't understand" and that
"she wouldn't think I think about what happened". Jerry, is it possible
Sarah got the wrong idea? Is it possible that she took your 'crazy love'
to be disinterest or dislike or disapproval? Jerry, have you any interest
in straightening the 'record' of your 'crazy love', if I can call it that,
with Sarah in case any misunderstandings on her part lead to her unnecessary
suffering? The outcome for you has been that "I haven't let anyone in since
then". And if anything, Jerry, you have been hiding yourself away, have you
not?
When I asked what Perfection might say about the 'crazy love', you thought
that it would say - "He's not good enough. Can he hold a relationship at
all?" Jerry, do you think it is commendable that despite all the above, "I
talk to her now when I see her". This was at the end of last year when
being "drunk" assisted you to break the ice with Sarah. Were you surprised
that "it was good for me. She still wanted to talk to me. She didn't
think I was weird. It was a relief." Jerry, what were you relieved of?
Still, in terms of relationships, you tell me that "it is so hard to get
back on track". Jerry, do you agree that you certainly had been derailed
and that your love had been thwarted?
Where to from here, we wondered. You concluded- "I really have to get past
Perfection." We discussed how counter-cultural you were in terms of how
you aspire to conduct relationships with women. You told me you are seeking
"a complete connection, knowing someone intimately at a deep level". And
you are not without others in this quest of yours. You told me of "a few
friends like me...Keith, Jonathon, Mathew and Paul". You concluded that "we
are nice, sensitive guys and that doesn't work". Jerry, are you so sure
about that? Are you so sure? Perhaps you being deceived and calling
shyness, what you referred to at our last meeting - 'fierce compassion'.
you told me you would find it impossible to "be ruthless and uncaring". When
I asked some of the sources for such a counter cultural view of relationships
between men and women, you sourced musicians such as Neil Finn, Crowded
House, Alanis Morrissette, Jewel, Counting Crows and then said the list
could go on and on.
We went back to the source of deception- Perfection, which you consider "has
always been there" and it has always had you "be hard on myself". Do you
think Perfection exploited the fact that "I'm talented. I must achieve all
that I can and use the gifts I was given." Has Perfection parlayed your
talents into a crucifix for you to bear rather than a way to delight
yourself and others? I know people have "always told me I'm extremely
talented and musical" but what would they think if they knew their best
wishes had become something of a curse for you and your life? When I asked
if there was anyone who might be willing to oppose perfection and its
deceptions, you thought Leigh would. As you put it, "he understands and
is similar to me". When I asked what he would say if he had been a party
to our conversations so far, you thought he would say- "Me too. Perfection is in
me too!"
When I asked what you made of Brian's account of his struggle with
Perfection, you said something I don't think I quite took in right away.
"When you see it on paper, you realize how ridiculous and absurd it is!"
You then went on to tell me something in the order of a COUNTER
DECEPTION. We were remembering how eating food had been converted
into a death threat- "Don't eat this...it will kill you!' When I first met you,
I am pretty sure that was pretty compelling of you. Now you are in a
position to review that and say with considerable aplomb- "That is the most
ridiculous thing I have ever heard! How did I get there? How was I
listening to those ridiculous thoughts". Jerry, those are certainly questions
worthy of our attention, are they not? In this matter of DECEPTION AND
COUNTER-DECEPTION, isn't there something of great relevance? For
example, how could a young man, talented and sensitive, be turned against
the very sustenance of his health and life in general? Are those questions
you might consider reflecting upon, Jerry? How did you deceive
Perfection's deceptions? Jerry, couldn't it in the end have not only
compromised your life but finally taken it?
Even if we are not very close to a good understanding of DECEPTION AND
YOUR COUNTER-DECEPTION, you have no qualms about stating, "I've
come such a long way from five months ago. I can drive here. I can do
little things." Jerry, what did you think of the anti-perfection idea of the
little things being the big things? Do you recall how Perfection was
requiring you to be Perfect before you could even enjoy the status of 'adult'?
When I enquired what you were proudest of, you told me, "I didn't take the
easy option. I could not have felt more despair than I did. It will serve me
well for the rest of my life". Jerry, is that because you now know that
whatever there is to face in your life, nothing can be more terrorizing than
that which you came through not so long ago? Jerry, how much guts did it
take to go against everyone's advice to medicate yourself?
Jerry, what exactly did you mean by, "I got a glimpse of reality. I saw the
absurdity and ridiculousness in what I do as well". Jerry, by the same
token, would you be willing to consider how you had been deceived into
having 'reality' distorted and made as real as 'reality'??? Still, this has
led you to "feeling more confident and defying and not listening to the
thoughts" which has had the result of "not being so worried". When I asked if
you might attempt to quantify the % increase in defiance and repudiation
of Perfection's deception of you and 'reality' itself, you judged that five
months ago, it was Perfection - 70% and Jerry- 30%; now it is Jerry- 60
% and Perfection- 40%. You concluded- "I am now definitely on the other
side".
Jerry, is there a risk of Perfection trying to deceive you into reclaiming
your life back PERFECTLY? Or are you more willing now to do so bit by
bit, and IMPERFECTLY?? We both agreed that a 30% improvement in a
relatively short time was about as fast as anyone would want to go. And by
slowing down, Jerry, you might carefully take stock of your
COUNTER-DECEPTIONS? I know that you are wiling to "give myself more
time" but might you take advantage of that time?
You suggested for any further agenda that we talk about Perfection and
"what caused me to get into this" in the first place. They seem like very
worthwhile talking points.
Jerry, did I get you right- did you say that "Perfection was putting out
the flame inside of me"?
Yours imperfectly,
David.
******
LETTER THREE
Dear Jerry:
I wondered at times if I was hearing things and if I wasn't able to check
that out with you on several occasions, I suspect I still would be. Let me
quote you- "I have been doing a lot of celebrating and having fun." In
fact, you had attended three 2lst birthday parties, including your own. If
2lsts are still what they used to be, they are pretty important social
rituals, marking your adult status. Jerry, when I asked if you had come out
as Jerry at yours, you smiled in acknowledgement of that. On that occasion,
you went out to dinner with eight friends and you are now even wondering if,
in the near future, "might even have a party sometime". And at Jonathon's
instead of fading into the wallpaper, you stood up for him and made the
speech which, as you put it, "went down really well, especially the
sentimental part of it". I enquired what Perfection had to say about this,
you said that "I had doubts if I wanted to do the speech but it was too
important. I had been asked and I had to do it". Jerry, if Perfection was
at its full strength, how do you guess it would have undone even the best
of your good intentions? You saw your speech as your "mark of respect" for
both Jonathon and yourself. As you put it, "I am really glad I did it!"
And what's more, you were willing to take into yourself other peoples'
acclaim which had what you described as a very interesting effect on you-
"It made me feel good about myself". Why was it possible to accept other
peoples' respect for you? What's more, you described last week as "a
really good week" and that was certainly something I doubt you would have
been said when we first met some months ago. What do you think?
We talked about banning Perfection for that whole week and how from my
knowledge of Perfection, it isn't a here today- gone tomorrow kind of
Problem. Your response to my question was that you "got caught up in fun".
I then wondered if Perfection had ever "told you a joke or made you laugh".
In fact, you were laughing out loud when you replied- "NO. IT'S THERE TO
PUSH ME HARD TO MY POTENTIAL LIMITS" but we saw the potential
deception here and compared that to what Ali had to say about the white horse
becoming a very dark horse. You aid in response to reading that that you can
"really related to that. It is holding out a goal in front of you but it
always just too far away to grab on to". You also agreed with Chelsea that
Perfection is like a "bad lawyer who twists your words". We wondered how
Perfection could take someone's noble ambitions eg. Ali's account of the
woman who wanted to become a doctor and heal the sick and Perfection then
turned those very noble ambitions into something very deadly for her. You
thought it "sows doubt in my mind". Do you think of late that Perfection's
seeds are falling on rocky and arid ground?
You then gave me an example of Perfection operating on you Saturday night
with a girl at the party. You were aware that Vicky wanted to be with you-
"I thought she was nice looking so I doubted if I was good enough to be with
her". Although looking back with your self-respect, you wished you "stayed,
Perfection send you home smartly. You were of the opinion that "it stems
back to the Sarah thing". When I asked what you would have done if you had
followed your heart with Vicky, you said in a rather determined manner that
you "would have stayed and talked". We wondered if it was the time to go
back and sort the Jerry-Vicky relationship out. Once again, you stressed
the "deepness" of it which really caught you off guard and in a manner of
speaking, you were overwhelmed by the 'divine madness'. We discussed how
much of a difference there was between books on love and being in love. We
thought we might get together next time and write Sarah just is case she
misunderstood your sudden departure as a rejection rather than thwarted
love. She would certainly have to be clever and know you inside out to have
guessed that that was behind your departure from the relationship.
I asked if you might ask, for the sake of the opposition to Perfection, if
you might go over the documents of Brian and indicate if there was anything
there that assisted you in breaking the spell of anorexia and going a mile
or two down the road and finding Perfection, in essence, a form of
ridiculousness. Not many people know have made such as leap as that. Here
are some questions you might ask yourself- please not down your replies
imperfectly on a ratty bit of paper and bring it with you the next time we
meet
1) How did I take this and apply it to the particulars of my struggle with
Perfection?
2) What attempts did Perfection make, even thought they were obviously
unsuccessful on this occasion, to bring you back under its sway?
3) What actions, thoughts, ploys or whatever did you come up with or borrow
from Brian to hold on your course of action- celebration, fun and
self-respect?
4) As If find it hard to believe Perfection would just throw in the towel,
what did it do now to try and 'twist' your very words to serve its deadly
purposes?
Yours against perfection,
David.
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